nihilism final boss

 hello fellow scholars,

this post will definitely just be a rant/life update/insomnia induced post 🩷 enjoy reading my thoughts i’ve been having. also this will be very long sorry lmao…  

SCHOOL

good golly gosh i hate school. i call myself a scholar but i genuinely despise school so much everyday it is a BATTLE to get me to go to school and i just want to skip. it is so incredibly draining, to the point where i just want to give up and drop out. i am weeks behind on work, i hate the school environment, and i’m already feeling burnt out even thought it’s only been a month. i’m just so sick of it. 

RECENT AND UPCOMING EVENTS

tbh, i haven’t been doing much! everything has just been school school school but i have gone out every single weekend to the library with my friends for “studying” (we don’t lock in). it’s been nice, and we get food as well so i can eat unhealthily to my heart’s desire. on thurs 27/2, my friends J, E, S, and A cooked me a very yummy steak & mash & veggies lunch as a birthday gift at SCHOOL. it turned out to be a lot better than expected and i thoroughly enjoyed it! i’ll be honest, i did not have high expectations especially since this would be cooked in our yr12 kitchen but they blew my mind with it! love love love. ooh, on fri 7/3 it’s going to be athletics day and me and my bsfs J and E are dressing up as Heathers from Heathers the Musical. i’m pretty excited, but i have to march in the costume which is a bit embarrassing but oh well. and then on sun 9/3 it’s my bday which i’m scared but excited about!! i’ll be 17… crazy. 

PRODUCTION AUDITIONS/CALLBACKS

we had our production auditions, in which i sang the wizard and i from wicked and read for fiona. i got a fiona and gingy callback!! super excited for it. then we had the dance audition, which i thought i ate until it came to the tap part where i looked like a fool. i also danced too hard and felt terribly sick after. the next day, i had my fiona callback which was terrifying because my competition were all really good. the day after, i had an ela sac which was not fun. and then the day after that, i had my gingy callback, where i screeched and sounded like mickey mouse while improvising because i did not practice. went better than expected though! idk how i survived this past week. i also had to submit a self tape for fiona second callbacks, and also impromptu read it after the gingy callback which was… interesting. we find out the cast within the next few days and i am absolutely terrified. it would be my dream to play fiona and i really hope i get her!

DREAMS (OR NIGHTMARES?)

small little tid bit here but every single night i have a dream, and majority of them are nightmares. like i wake up many days where my heart is pounding and i am terrified. also, i don’t have recurring dreams but i do have one recurring theme - i am ALWAYS getting chased. many things seem to chase me in my nightmares for some reason?? when i was 6, it was giant lollipops in candy land. the other week, it was by some guy named “Wogsworth” in a grocery store. last night, it was by some mysterious figure on a giant playground. literally what does this mean and how do i stop the chasing. 

SCHEDULE

this year, my most important high school year, my schedule is PACKED. every single day i have some sort of activity on, and i am exhausted. i don’t know how much longer i can do this but oh well. also, i have now reached extreme loserdom by being a theatre kid, band kid, and choir kid. the big three! really really great for my reputation at school. 

EMO NIHILISTIC DEPRESSION 

this part will probably sound cringe but… this is my blog you guys can deal with it. feel free to skip over it as there will be mentions of sensitive topics. 

i am so extremely depressed and burnt out and anxious every single day! big surprise right. i thought i would crash in term 2, but it’s only a month in and i’m back to wanting to die. on tuesday after my fiona callback, that night i had such a terribly big breakdown i was genuinely considering ending my life. but i didn’t! i’m still here (unfortunately). i do not see a point in living #nihilism but ending my life is too much of a hassle so i am constantly stuck in this limbo of nothingness. every single night i beg god to kill me in my sleep but every single day i wake up and i am alive. it’s kinda getting to the point where i’m like, “hmmm. maybe should i go back to my psychologist” but i genuinely do not have the time or mental capacity to do that so i will stick to ignoring my issues and holding on barely. it’s a bit ironic too, because i’m writing this post as a way to distract myself from the overthinking that happens when i try and sleep. my head hits the pillow and i close my eyes and suddenly my mind is more active than it’s ever been before and my heart starts to race and i just can’t. 

well, that’s it from me tonight. this has not been proofread so i’m sorry for any mistakes! also extremely sorry to you if you actually read the whole thing. 

love, from your favourite scholar,

sue anne 💕